Backtracking

In August 2009 I thought okay it is time to start trying to get pregnant. I didn't want just anyone to be the donor to my baby to be. I researched many different sperm banks and the costs of each of them. The costs alone would make you cringe. I found a site online for a known donor (that is a man that is willing to donate his sperm but does not go through a bank). I was very leary of this because I was just so afraid that what if this guy comes back and says I want to see my child. That man was very open and showed me photos of his 2 baby girls and photos of himself. He was a nice looking man, dark hair, caucasian, dark eyes. There was a contract involved that we both signed stating that this is my baby and I would not ask for child support from him and that he could not have any rights to this child. I was starting to get more comfortable with this idea of how I was going to create my baby. In September, just 2 weeks before he was suppose to ship the "donation" to me he backed out. He was wanting more openness to the baby to be and i wasn't willing to allow that. I was so upset, sad and so releaved that he backed out. I was upset because I did so much planning and now it was all for nothing and I would have to start that search over again. I was sad because I want a baby so baddly and that was like a slap in the face that I may never get a baby. Then I was releaved because I knew deep down in my heart that a known sperm donor would never be something that I could be comfortable with. I would always worry about him coming back and saying that he wants to see the child.
Once again the search was on for another donor, but this time I was not willing to look at any known donors. I wanted to go through a sperm bank that way there was no connection with me and the donor and there was no way he could come back and say hey thats my child. I finally found a sperm bank that had everything I wanted, that would allow me to do my inseminations on my own in my own house and the prices were awesome.

So November rolls around. I call for the first time to place my order, which was so weird to think of calling someone and saying I need a vial of #### sperm shipped to me on such and such date. Finally this HUGE box arrives the day I asked for it to be delivered (it is probably 3 feet tall). I open it up and there are directions in a packet so of course I read them all because I want to make sure I am doing this just right. Finally I take the padding off the top and there is this big dewar in this box and I open it up to make sure my vial is in there. Yep it is in there! So I shut it up and I thought now all I have to wait for is my body to ovulate. That shouldn't be to hard. I wait and wait and wait, I begin to think that I am not going to ovulate. I am using this clearBlue easy fertility monitor to tell me when I ovulate. My monitor peaks on thanksgiving (6 days after I got this donation from the FedEx office) :-) I inseminate that night. Now many women would not know what their cervix looks like let alone having to check it to see when the best time to inseminate would be. I am now the owner of a speculum lol not many women could say that either. Well that is unless they are ttc with donor sperm. You only get this little vial and you have to make it count. The frozen sperm don't live as long as fresh sperm do. So I wait my 12 days and no af (peroid) shows but my pregnancy tests are neg. 2 days later my af shows full force. NOT PREGNANT. I thought this was going to be easy but the whole cycle was not easy and now I am not pregnant. That is just cruel.

Well onto another cycle. I call and order another vial to be delivered around the end of December. Once again I ovulate late. This cycle was weird because I spotted a week before I ovulated. The day my dewar was to be shipped back (you can only have them for 7 days) I got my +OPK and I had to hurry up and inseminate before I had to take my dewar back to the fedex office. 12 days later af arrived right on time and NOT PREGNANT. WHAT I couldn't believe it I am young, eat healthy, the only fertility problem I have is that I don't ovulate without using clomid (I am on 100mg clomid taken CD3 - CD7). I wanted to be pregnant so baddly and now I had done 2 cycles with donor sperm and I am still NOT PREGNANT. This is definatly not an easy journey to be on and I would not wish it on anyone.

Okay so now I need a break to get things back under control. I got a job promotion and there was the chance I may have to wait a year or so before I can try again but thankfully that was not the case and I got to start trying again in March. Now it is the beginning of March and I need to think really hard if I should keep the same donor I have been using or switch. I was just so unsure but in the end I kept the same donor I had been using. This cycle is different for me, I had been using ici vials which is where you draw up the sperm in a syringe and put it right outside your cervix. Oh this cycle I decided to use an iui vial which is washed and this goes in a syringe with a long catheter that you put up into your cervix and that way the swimmers go into your uterus and cervix. This cycle I did not use my CBEFM (fertility monitor) I used the clearblue smiley digital OPK's and I have to say I LOVE them. I of course ovulated late once again. I have to say I am getting used to ovulating late on the cycles that I ttc. :-) So on my very last OPK (my dewar had to go back the next day and I was thinking I would have to send my vial back). Finally around 6pm on March 10th I got my +OPK SMILEY. My cervix was open as far as I have ever felt it and I was having cramps in my left side. I inseminated around 10 that evening. 2 or 3 days later I had some cramps and that lasted until 9 days after ovulation. I just tried to keep busy and not think about anything baby (VERY hard when all you want is a baby). Finally 12 days after Ovulation and no sign of my af, I AM PREGNANT!!! This pregnancy didn't start off easy because I started bleeding a couple days later but I went to my doctor and everything was fine my betas were great. At 8 weeks and 4 days I woke up and is terrible pain and bleeding very heavy. I went to the ER and it was confirmed that I was having a miscarrige. That is just awful and just broke my heart into a million peices. What did I do wrong is what I asked myself and all I could think about is what I should have done to prevent it. My doctor said I didn't do anything wrong but why did I loose my baby? Okay I have to believe that God has bigger plans for me and I really hope that plan is to bless me with a baby soon.

So here I am waiting on my next af to show so I can start tracking my cycles and prepare to try again soon (probably in late July).